Food Network Haiku

Hills

2009-10-07T09:20:00.002-04:00

Mutants love my food

Must be the uranium

The hills have bacon

Taste

2009-10-06T10:03:00.002-04:00

Is fondant real food?

Mary Alice says it is

My cakes taste like dirt

Death

2009-10-01T09:08:00.001-04:00

Tried my Walmart cakes?

Butter and sugar and spice

Cheap boxes of death

Mine

2009-09-29T09:50:00.000-04:00

New York's first lady?

The title will be all mine

Enforced cocktail time!

Fat

2009-09-28T08:57:00.000-04:00

I was a chef stud

Sexed up all the FN chicks

Before I was fat

Tears

2009-09-25T08:01:00.000-04:00

Smiling through my tears

I keep repeating myself

They won't let me stop

Poison

2009-09-24T08:01:00.000-04:00

No one likes my food

I have a little secret

I added poison

Ghosts

2009-09-23T08:01:00.000-04:00

Ghosts keep me awake

Will I win the next throw down?

Or reveal my lie?

Buried

2009-09-22T08:01:00.000-04:00

I'll grill all of you

Who's buried in my basement?

That's Jackie Malouf

Bitch

2009-09-21T08:02:00.001-04:00

Food Net is my bitch

I run this whole goddamn show

I'll throw your ass down

Sunk

2009-09-20T08:01:00.000-04:00

How low have I sunk?

Chopping onions and garlic

Cocktail time is beer

Shut

2009-09-19T08:01:00.001-04:00

I can't stop talking

Please someone help me shut up

My food is garbage

Breasts

2009-09-18T08:01:00.001-04:00

My purpose in life?

To cook Italian food

They just see my breasts

Die

2009-09-17T08:01:00.000-04:00

I deep fry butter

Eat bacon grease for dessert

So why can't I die?

Nightmare

2009-09-16T08:01:00.002-04:00

Cheap ingredients

Have replaced my tablescapes

Life is a nightmare

Womb

2009-09-15T08:01:00.005-04:00

Plain white countertops

Barren kitchen, like my womb

My face is falling

Whole

2009-09-14T08:01:00.001-04:00

I cook but don't taste

There's never enough vodka

I will eat you whole

Fill

2009-09-13T08:01:00.002-04:00

Empty place inside

Maybe food will fill it up

My jeans are too tight

Buds

2009-09-12T08:00:00.005-04:00

Poor drunken Sandra

Spent money on boobs and booze

Has no tastebuds left

Soup

2009-09-11T08:00:00.004-04:00

I drank during prep

Must go potty in the soup

Please don't tell the crew

Crumbs

2009-09-10T08:00:00.003-04:00

First, add the bread crumbs

Next, garlic, oil and whiskey

What was I saying?

Food

2009-09-09T08:00:00.005-04:00

Mix a batch of drinks

Food? Oh yeah, there's some of that

I almost forgot

Forget

2009-09-08T08:00:00.003-04:00

I am everywhere

Nightmares, craft store, and kitchen

Drink now, and forget

Bags

2009-09-07T08:00:00.002-04:00

Bags, boxes and cans

Into the oven they go

You're none the wiser

Love

2009-09-06T08:00:00.003-04:00

Oh poor Kwanzaa cake!

I filled you with all my love

What's wrong with corn nuts?

Camera

2009-09-05T08:00:00.003-04:00

Camera sees all

Will it not leave me alone?

I'll hide in vodka

Worst

2009-09-04T08:00:00.003-04:00

New show is the worst

Food costs were no problem once

Whither cocktail time?

Freckle

2009-09-03T08:00:00.000-04:00

Such pale freckled skin

Like ancho chile powder

Am I still a man?

House

2009-09-02T08:01:00.000-04:00

Thirty minutes gone

Yet my food is still a mess

My ass is a house

Cheap

2009-09-01T11:01:00.001-04:00

Meals have gotten cheap

But my boobs still cost a lot

What will Gordon think?

Can't

2009-08-31T11:01:00.001-04:00

They say I can't cook

What's wrong with Kwanzaa cake?

I'll just have a drink

Slap

2009-08-30T11:01:00.000-04:00

E-V-O-O Yum

I slapped some shit together

And called it a meal

Hash

2009-08-29T15:18:00.000-04:00

Tender skin like me

I cook my red potatoes

Now, I eat my horse