Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Mine

New York's first lady?


The title will be all mine


Enforced cocktail time!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Fat

I was a chef stud


Sexed up all the FN chicks


Before I was fat

Friday, September 25, 2009

Tears

Smiling through my tears


I keep repeating myself


They won't let me stop

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Poison

No one likes my food


I have a little secret


I added poison

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Ghosts

Ghosts keep me awake


Will I win the next throw down?


Or reveal my lie?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Buried

I'll grill all of you


Who's buried in my basement?


That's Jackie Malouf

Monday, September 21, 2009

Bitch

Food Net is my bitch


I run this whole goddamn show


I'll throw your ass down

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sunk

How low have I sunk?


Chopping onions and garlic


Cocktail time is beer

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Shut

I can't stop talking


Please someone help me shut up


My food is garbage

Friday, September 18, 2009

Breasts

My purpose in life?

To cook Italian food

They just see my breasts

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Die

I deep fry butter

Eat bacon grease for dessert

So why can't I die?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Nightmare

Cheap ingredients

Have replaced my tablescapes

Life is a nightmare

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Womb

Plain white countertops

Barren kitchen, like my womb

My face is falling

Monday, September 14, 2009

Whole

I cook but don't taste

There's never enough vodka

I will eat you whole

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fill

Empty place inside

Maybe food will fill it up

My jeans are too tight

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Buds

Poor drunken Sandra

Spent money on boobs and booze

Has no tastebuds left

Friday, September 11, 2009

Soup

I drank during prep

Must go potty in the soup

Please don't tell the crew

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Crumbs

First, add the bread crumbs

Next, garlic, oil and whiskey

What was I saying?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Food

Mix a batch of drinks

Food? Oh yeah, there's some of that

I almost forgot

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Forget

I am everywhere

Nightmares, craft store, and kitchen

Drink now, and forget

Monday, September 7, 2009

Bags

Bags, boxes and cans

Into the oven they go

You're none the wiser

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Love

Oh poor Kwanzaa cake!

I filled you with all my love

What's wrong with corn nuts?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Camera

Camera sees all

Will it not leave me alone?

I'll hide in vodka

Friday, September 4, 2009

Worst

New show is the worst

Food costs were no problem once

Whither cocktail time?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Freckle

Such pale freckled skin

Like ancho chile powder

Am I still a man?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

House

Thirty minutes gone

Yet my food is still a mess

My ass is a house

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Cheap

Meals have gotten cheap

But my boobs still cost a lot

What will Gordon think?